𝐑𝐄𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 𝐁𝐲 𝐁𝐨𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐎𝐥𝐮𝐰𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐞

𝑻𝒐𝒑𝒊𝒄: 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐆𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐦 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐠𝐞 2

𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐚𝐭 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩.

That was how a busybody, Ìyá ilé ọ́ọ́kán (the woman next door), came to report me to my mother, saying she had seen me toasting a girl.

Hell was let loose on me!

“We sent you to school, you are focusing on women.” “Is that how you would burn our money?” and many unanswerable questions. I was there looking at both of them, with my mother screaming those words at me.

Because I was growing up, she threatened to report it to my father whenever he returned. I was caught between begging them (my mother and the ‘reporter’) or serving whatever punishment would follow after being reported to my father. However, after conducting my Cost-Benefit Analysis (CBA), I decided not to beg anyone.

With my father, he was always transparent about your punishment. It would either be 2, 4, or 6 strokes of the cane, depending on the extent of your offence. I figured out that the highest would be six strokes, and I prepared my mind rather to receive that than to beg.

Moreover, I was the letter writer for that woman. This was how she decided to pay me back. She was even preaching that a brilliant boy like me should not look at girls at all until I finished school. Of course, I threw her a bombastic ‘bad belle’ side look.

My father came, and I was duly reported to him.

Contrary to my thoughts, he asked me to follow him to our room. I was already panicking. He sat me down and admonished me instead. He assured me that I was already at that age when I became conscious of the opposite gender, but I should be cautious not to jeopardize the life of anyone I claimed to love. He lectured me on how if any girl got pregnant, she would drop out of school, and that I should not be a reason anyone should drop out of school.

The admonition touched me, and I thanked my father before leaving the room, to the disappointment of my mother and the busybody who were patiently waiting to see me ‘crucified’ by my no-nonsense father.

The unfortunate and painful part of the story was that the girl sef no gree o!

Of course, I was also encouraged to continue my expeditions until my ‘trap’ would catch big fish. From that day on, he (my father) became my ‘paddy for laif’.

𝗙𝗮𝘀𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝘆 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽.

My mother was completely against it. She did not mince words about it at all. She even solicited the hands of many aunts to talk with me about why I should abort the mission. She gave her reasons, but she knew me well enough that I could not easily be talked out of my convictions. She threatened me that if I disobeyed her, I would face severe consequences. Genuinely speaking, I was afraid, as I did not see how my ‘stubbornness’ could escape those terrible pronouncements.

It was terrifying.

I turned to my ‘paddy of laif’ to pour out my frustrated heart.

𝗛𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗺𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴. 𝗛𝗲 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗱𝘃𝗶𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝘆 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿’𝘀 𝗮𝗱𝘃𝗶𝗰𝗲.

Then I told him that I love the girl in question. My father also affirmed that he knew and understood my feelings. He told me how to handle it best.

𝗨𝗻𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁𝘂𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆, 𝗺𝘆 𝗳𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 (𝗽𝗮𝗱𝗱𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗳) 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗻 𝗯𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗜 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗴𝗼𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗱.

Now, when I was again convinced of getting married to my lovely wife, there were going to be some significant hurdles to cross. One, ‘my paddy of laif’ was no more. Two, my proposed wife was not from my tribe.

I prepared ahead of time for a possible ‘war’ with my mother. I was ready to draw my pound of flesh that time. But I went in prayer first. I needed to be convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt. I did that on my own, and I also listened to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. It was not a case of one Prophet telling me if it was the right decision or not. It was a personal testimony and conviction.

When we arrived in town, she took an instant liking to my now wife. She said “Ọ́ rough” (you are not rough) to her. Whatever she meant by that, I forgot to ‘interrogate’ her until she passed on.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐝𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝

My story notwithstanding, an average boy is never taught anything or prepared consciously for marriage. In counselling, you are asked what work you do, how much you earn, what kind of house (accommodation) you have and the type of car you drive. We are aware of these questions, even if we have to learn them on the streets, and they remain our primary focus as we prepare for marriage.

At best, we are asked the fundamental but seemingly simple question. “Can you apologize even if you are wrong to your wife?” If we say “NO”, the only response is that “you are not yet ready for marriage.” As important as this is, it should be only part of the conversation, not the sole focus.

Without undermining the essential roles of marriage counsellors in Churches and other places (many of whom are not specially trained for the role), the undue emphasis on hierarchy alone in marriage is skewed and may not sustain marriage as envisaged. It is contradictory for those who taught us to say sorry even if we are not wrong, to pass judgment that it is the wife who must ‘beg’ the husband whenever there is a conflict.

Marriage is good and honourable, but we should stop thrusting a well-prepared woman to an unprepared groom with the veiled philosophy that 𝗜𝗹é ọ𝗸ọ, 𝗶𝗹é ẹ̀𝗸ọ́ 𝗻𝗶 (Matrimony is a learning ground for the wife). It is also ideally a learning ground for the husband.

Together, let us change the trajectory and start investing in the boy child, grooming them to become the ideal grooms that society desires.

𝑯𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒐𝒚 𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒉𝒖𝒔𝒃𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒅 𝒐𝒇?

Your thoughts and experiences are welcome.

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